Dr Hutch: Seven great acts of cycling stupidity

A collection of wince-inducing, cringe-worthy moments endured by cyclists

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More acts of cycling stupidity

Energy pants

A spy tells me of a member of his club who did RideLondon. This rider, let’s call him Charles, did actually get round the route pretty tidily.

However, by the last few miles he was running on fumes, and beginning to see stars. He wanted nothing as much as to get to the finish, get his kit bag back, and drink his recovery drink.

>>> Six essentials to take with you on RideLondon

But when he got the bag, he found that almost the entire contents of the drink had leaked over the rest of his kit. In desperation he licked the bottle. Then he licked the inside of the bag. Finally, shamelessly, he started to try to suck drink off his once-clean clothes.

“When I found him post-event,” says my informant, “he was standing in plain view of hundreds of people, sucking the crotch of his underpants. We call him Y-fronts now.”

Turbo rug resistance

A story reaches us of a newcomer to the pleasures of the turbo-trainer. Having bought a trainer, of the cheaper variety that uses the tyre on a roller, he set 
it up in his living room, and climbed aboard.

All seemed well. But as time progressed, it got harder and harder. It felt as if the resistance was constantly increasing. He put it down to fatigue and poor pacing and redoubled his efforts.

The burning smell was harder to write off.

>>> The Best turbo trainers: a complete buyer’s guide

It turned out that the rug in his living room had rucked up, and been pulled gradually further and further into the gap between wheel and roller.

Not only was the rug ruined, but the fibres pulled into the trainer mean that whenever it’s used it smells like someone burning a sheep.

Enjoy the trip

You may have heard of aerodynamic trips — raised ridges or seams on race clothing designed to manipulate the airflow. Well, word reaches us of a suggested means of extending this principle to lower-leg areas not normally covered by a rider’s shorts.

No less a team than the Great Britain track squad debated the possibility of scratching a rider’s skin with “a rusty nail, or something like that” (shudder) to produce a raised scar in exactly the right place.

>>> Aero is the future: Why you should be paying more attention to aerodynamics

This idea was not rejected nearly as quickly as you’d have hoped.

Incidentally, another related idea was to give riders nettle stings to create a “textured” finish. This was also rejected. After another long discussion.

Deflating feeling

I stopped not long since to help a rider who’d got a puncture and no spare tube or patches. I gave him a tube, and lent him a pump. He installed the tube, gave two or three desultory pumps, stopped, and gave me the pump back.

“It’s fine, mate, pump it up properly, I don’t mind waiting,” I said.

“No, I only ever put about 20psi in,” he said. “It makes it harder.”

>>> Bike tyre pressure: everything you need to know

I thought about this. “Do you ever feel like you get more punctures than most people?” I asked him.

“Well, yes. Why do you ask?”

“Oh,” I said, “just a feeling.”

Don’t look back

A number of us were on a ride, when my friend Tony decided to push on a bit. What was surprising was that rather than simply creating a modest gap he continued to accelerate away, giving it everything he had until he was just a dot in the distance.

Miles later the rest of the group caught up with him prostrate on the grass, completely spent. When eventually he regained the power of speech he explained that he had been annoyed that someone had managed to keep up with him.

No matter how much he tried, every time he glanced over his shoulder he saw a shape drafting him.

We pointed out to him that he had been trying to drop his own shadow.

Bowl-ed over

A bite to eat at the house of an acquaintance who had ridden the Peace Race in Eastern Europe in the late 1970s produced an account of his only success in the two-week race. It was an intermediate sprint.

“It’s really all I was racing for — the previous day the sprint winner got a motorbike,” he said. “But it turned out that the prizes were donated by the local town, so it wasn’t a motorbike the day I won.”

“What did you get?” I said.

“You see the bowl your pudding is in? Let’s just say I’d rather you didn’t break it.”

>>> 31 things you always wanted to know about cycling, but were afraid to ask

Not a great night

Word reaches us of a rider involved in a minor crash, who was taken to A&E. Having been cut out of his badly-shredded kit, his cuts and bruises were treated, washed, and bandaged. He was told to go home.

He pointed out that he now had literally nothing to wear.

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He was given a hospital gown to cover his modesty, and discharged into the night in bare feet. It turned out that most taxi drivers are unwilling to pick up a fare who has quite so obviously just escaped from a hospital.

And the ones that do are a bit… strange.

The wrong sort of folding bike

I was recently reminded of how a school friend’s brother put himself in hospital. He’d borrowed his mother’s folding bike to go the shops — I’d imagine his had a puncture, since that was more or less permanently the case.

>>> Read more: The best folding bikes: a buyer’s guide 

Freewheeling down the quite steep hill towards the shop, he recalled that some friend of his brother’s had told him it was possible to undo the frame clamp holding a Raleigh folder’s frame together, and leave it still capable of being safely ridden. He reached down, and undid the clamp.

It was a different model of bike entirely.

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Red light fright

New light has 180 degree visibility

Don’t turn it on at the station

A few years ago (quite a few, if I’m honest) I took my bike on a train to visit a friend in Hertfordshire one winter evening. My bike and I got off at the small rural station, and I spent several minutes standing on the platform consulting a map, looking for the right route.

When I’d worked it out, I switched my lights on and started to head for the exit. All of a sudden there was a great screeching of an express train performing a full emergency stop.

It turned out that when I put my rear light on, the driver had thought it was a red signal. The station master shouted at me for a long time. (Contributed by Alan Weekes via email)

>>> Buyer’s guide to rear lights

Once is careless, twice is…

A Scottish rider, faced with the first cold morning of the winter, just had time to register that the road surface on a roundabout was “more sparkly than usual” before his front wheel went from under him, and he hit the deck.

Uninjured, but a bit embarrassed, he jumped up, and leapt back on his bike. He quickly noticed that his front brake lever had taken the brunt of the impact and had been knocked off line.

“I gave it a hard whack with the heel of my hand. A more sensible man might have stopped riding first. Then I picked myself up for a second time, and went home to get the car.”

Watch: How to… prevent your cables from damaging your frame

Spoke poke retaliation

A conversation with an old bike rider recently yielded the story of the time in the 1950s when he knocked out two of his younger brother’s teeth by thrusting a stick into the spokes of his front wheel as he rode past, throwing him over the handlebars.

“My father was furious,” he told me. “He was going to give me a thrashing, but our mother talked him out of it. So instead, he made me ride my bike down the front path, and encouraged my younger brother to put a stick into my spokes to even things up. I broke my nose and a cheekbone. My father was well pleased with this result. The next time he wanted to give either of us a thrashing, Mum just let him.”

>>> Dr Hutch: The art of the cycling excuse

When are they bringing it back?

13 August 2016 2016 Summer Olympics (Rio de Janeiro, BRAZIL) Women Team Pursuit Final 4th : NEW ZEALAND ELLIS Lauren SHEATH Racquel BUCHANAN Rushlee NIELSEN Jaime Photo : Yuzuru SUNADA

12-hour race: not featured in Rio. Photo: Yuzuru Sunada

In the first modern Olympics, in Athens in 1896, the organisers decided it might pack the crowds in if they ran a 12-hour bike race on the track.

Seven riders started — three Greeks, two Germans, an Austrian and a British rider, who was on his afternoon off from being the British Ambassador’s butler. Almost immediately, the Austrian Adolf Schmal attacked and gained a lap. Then he sat on the wheel of the British rider Frank Keeping for the next 11 and three-quarter hours.

Schmal won by the margin of the single lap. Keeping was second. They were the only finishers, as everyone else dropped out through boredom.

It was not an event that was ever repeated at the Olympics.

Arm-warmer face punch

I was putting on a pair of arm-warmers last week, when I lost my grip on one of them. My hand flew back, and I punched myself in the face. Mrs Doc’s mirth was unconstrained. I knew she had a mean streak, but as a bruise raised itself under my left eye, she rocked back and forth in more hilarity than seemed reasonable.

If this wasn’t an omen, I didn’t know what was. I scratched the outdoor ride, and got out the rollers for the first time this autumn.

Five minutes later, while riding no-handed and changing the track on my phone, I rode off the rollers, and fell into the dining table with a bang.

“Did you just fall off the rollers?” shouted Mrs. Doc from upstairs. I said yes, a little huffily. There was a long pause. “Don’t you want to check I’m all right?” I said.

“In a moment,” she shouted. “I’m just texting your friend Bernard. He owes me £10.”

>>> Dr Hutch: Don’t bother buying lots of winter cycling kit, you’ll never find it again

Spanish cobbles

The cobbles of Paris-Roubaix. Photo: Jack Elton-Walters

Spanish cobbles are dangerous cobbles. Photo: Jack Elton-Walters

A rider was on holiday in Spain recently with a few cycling friends. They were all riding through a cobbled village, when our hero’s front wheel dropped with a surprising clunk into a deep narrow rut in the cobbles.

Remarkably he stayed upright. Indeed, he discovered that he was wedged upright, with his front wheel buried a few inches into the cobbles. Instead of counting his blessings and quickly getting off, however, he continued to sit on the bike to perform a series of mock victory celebrations.

Very slowly he and the bike toppled over. It was so slow because the front wheel was bending beneath him. It was a write-off. And it took three days of his four-day trip to get a replacement.

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