Triple espresso, no sugar
You are hardcore. The caffeine kick is just what you need to claim every Strava KOM on the way home and make anyone you are riding with totally suffer.
Bike: Slightly worn bike that’s seen a lot of race action
Clothing: Well-used club kit
The cyclists’ old favourite that transcends fads. You’re a solid worker with plenty of oat-fuelled energy. You’re not afraid to sit on the front and give the others a tow – while sneakily seeing who can keep up.
Bike: Something mid-range
Clothing: Why spend more than £100 on a whole outfit? It won’t make you go faster, you know
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Cup of regular tea, one sugar
You’re a traditionalist at heart. Why go for some flashy alternative when you know what you like. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Bike: Steel frame, worn components that were once pretty good
Clothing: Wool, but not that fancy ‘modern retro’ stuff
Soy caramel latte with sprinkles
You keep up to date with modern trends unlike some of these beverage luddites. New is always best. Just this morning you contributed to a WiFi handlebar project on Kickstarter.
Bike: All-black carbon fibre aero bike, deep-section carbon wheels and Shimano Di2
Clothing: Aero helmet and full skinsuit with bright pink shoe covers
Big meat pasty
The energy gained from the full English you had for breakfast didn’t last more than half an hour into the ride. Your finely-tuned metabolism requires that you need the fully-balanced meal that beef and vegetables wrapped in pastry can provide.
Bike: Built for strength. Titanium or aluminium
Clothing: Something that can stretch several inches after lunch
Camomile tea and a slice of Victoria sponge
You got lost on your way to the village fete.
Bike: Something in pastel colours with flowers on it
Clothing: See bike
You’re tired. All you can think about is sleep, and you associate hot chocolate with getting wrapped up in a nice snug, warm bed and have a revitalising kip. Instead, you’re faced with a haul back home up a never-ending climb into a headwind.
Bike: You wish it was a teleportation device linked directly to your bed
As many cakes as you can afford
It appears as though you may have over-stretched yourself on today’s ride. Eating will definitely make up for the empty feeling in your legs… right up until the point where you get back on your bike and realise that all of the blood has actually left your legs and rushed to your intestines to help digest the coagulated mass of chocolate cake, treacle tart and sticky buns.
Bike: Aluminium. There’s no point spending more than £1000 on a bike, but £1000 on cakes is fine
Clothing: Something you got in the sales
Nothing (though you might ask the café for a water bottle refill)
You sit there while everyone around you slurps and scoffs. This either gives you a feeling of superiority because you simply don’t need this kind of top-up after just 50 miles. Or that you left your money on the side at home.
Bike: A featherweight that you weigh regularly to make sure it hasn’t mysteriously gained some grammes
Clothing: Team issue only
Watch: Five foods you should never eat before your ride
Big Mac, fries, chicken nuggets and an extra-large Coke
You don’t really care about what other people think of you. Or you’re a world-class sprinter on your way back from a big win. The choice of champions.
Bike: Anything you like
If the café you are visiting serves salad, then you’re at the wrong café.
Bike: Get on it now, and ride to a proper caff
Clothing: Probably a bit too loose if you like salad