'The kebab was a bad idea' - how I fuelled for a 24-hour time trial

It was about 11.30pm and I was 16 hours deep into a 24-hour ultra event. Standing in a queue composed largely of boisterously belching gentlemen fresh from a night of beer swilling in the local boozer, we were all lining up for a serving of mystery meat at a kebab van parked in a layby.

Despite a collective hankering for highly calorific fare, our reasons for consuming it couldn’t be more different; The boozers wanted something that would soak up an evening’s worth of ale. I wanted something that would allow me to get back on my bicycle, boost my cycling performance and pedal with a little more urgency than I’d be able to muster for the last hour.

Of course, decked out in Spandex, I was suitably heckled: “What have you come as?” a chap in a neatly pressed Ben Sherman shirt enquired. “Shouldn’t you be on the energy bars?” another asked as I shuffled from side to side on my cleats.

Then I dropped my order. “A large kebab, a large portion of chips, two bottles of water and three cans of Coke, please.” It was a concise, calculated and cold delivery. A delivery that was met with gasps of confused admiration from my fellow patrons. “But, but, I didn’t think cyclists actually ate,” Ben Sherman stuttered.

“Oh, we eat, Ben,” I replied. “We eat a lot…”

You may think that I arrived at this juncture having poorly fuelled my ride prior to queuing up at the van. In theory I suppose I had. But it hadn’t been through a lack of trying. A 24-hour TT demands almost constant fuelling and hydration if you want to keep power up and the speed high. Aside from having a working pair of legs and a beating heart, the most important part of ultra long distance rides and races is your stomach – and, more pertinently, what you put in it.

My quest to eat as much food as humanly possible over a 24-hour period started the day prior to the event. A carb-heavy breakfast (double portions of porridge oats), was followed by a carb-heavy lunch (rice and bread) and a carb-heavy dinner (half a packet of spaghetti). This is what’s known as carb-loading. It’s also what’s known as being a fat b**tard. But ridiculously long bicycle rides offer the perfect excuse to overindulge and I was far from done for today.

A trip to the supermarket with my daughter between lunch and dinner turned into a bit of a game – a game in this case we simply called ‘Calorie Hunt’. The plan was to find – pound for pound – the most calorific items in the shop. Sound boring? Surprisingly it was extremely entertaining, particularly for my daughter – we spent an inordinate amount of time perusing then purchasing chocolate.

Aside from lard which offers a phenomenal 900 calories per 100g, the next best, and slightly more palatable option was chocolate. But not just any old chocolate. After leaving no packet unturned it was the Bitsa Wispa at 550 calories per 100g that proved the heaviest hitter. I bought three bags and decanted them into the food pouch on the cockpit of my steed.

After adding some macadamia nuts and two bags of Haribo I had what you might call a Trail Mix deluxe – a compact mélange of snackables weighing in at the best part of 5,000 calories. So that’s breakfast sorted.

0-6 hours

My first meal of the day then was a protracted affair, which I finally polished off after around 120 miles in the saddle. So six hours deep into the ride the hunt for more sustenance began.

I had emergency rations on me in the form of my favourite gels, but taste fatigue had set in and the thought of any more sugar filled me with actual revulsion. Fortunately the course was based on a loop that took in a series of small towns and villages, and on the outskirts of small towns and villages one can generally happen upon the long-distance cyclist’s best friend – petrol stations. Don’t worry, I wasn’t about to lift a nozzle and pump myself full of Shell V-Power – that would be far too costly – rather take advantage of the competitively priced junk food on offer.

6-12 hours

A meal deal yields a big hit of carbs in one nifty little package. I bought two, and a Greggs steak bake just in case. Meal deals, to those unfortunate enough not to know, comprise a main (usually in the form of a sandwich), a side (a chocolate bar or a packet or crisps – they also have packets of fruit and olives apparently), and a drink. If I’m feeling particularly decadent – today being a case in point – I’ll plump for the triple cheese sandwich on white bread, a packet of Monster Munch and a bottle of Cherry Coke. So I ate one on the petrol station forecourt and secreted the second meal deal in various places around my person and bicycle. The steak bake was eaten on the move – not the easiest fare to consume at 20mph, I spent the next two weeks sneezing out flakes of puff pastry.

Let’s break down the energy in that little repast, then: 2 x triple cheese = 1,400 cals; 2 x Monster Munch grab bags = 900cal; 2 x Cherry Coke = 600cal; 1 x steak bake = 600; for a grand total of 3,500 calories. Add to that the gels in my back pocket and I do believe we’re set for the late afternoon shift.

12-18 Hours

Four thousand calories came and went and by now I had 250 miles on the clock. They were relatively fast miles, The course was a gently undulating affair which never really trouble the fast-twitch fibres, so my legs were feeling reasonable, my backside was middling to fair but once again my stomach and muscles began muttering something about supper.

Seriously? More? Yes, more. I was already a couple of hours deep into the night shift and the Cotswolds was drawing the curtains for the day. I had no other option than to descend upon the last refuge of the interminably hungry.

And so it was that Ben Sherman ribbed me for my attire and his mate asked me why I wasn’t eating energy bars before I dropped the large kebab and chips bombshell. Had I had the energy and the inclination I would have explained that an energy bar was a waste of time that wasn’t going to fuel a further six hours of cycling, whereas what I’d just ordered – large kebab (2,000 cals), large chips (900cals) and three cans of Coke (450cals) – probably would.

18-24 Hours

In hindsight, the kebab was a bad idea. Yes, I needed salt but I didn’t want half of the Dead Sea in my dinner. My gut started revolting. It simply refused to process what I’d just offered it and there it sat, sloshing around in my stomach refusing to budge. I found a likely verge on a country lane and lay down on it. Dew already forming on the grass teased my bare neck as I parted with a long and meaningful groan.

There’s a very good reason sports nutrition and supplements are so popular among athletes. It offers a fast-release form of energy that can be easily processed by the gut. Regardless of what you eat during long-distance rides, fuel should be factored into training. Your stomach can’t be taken by surprise by a sudden onslaught of calories it’s hitherto never been required to process.

So practice eating, find out the kind of food that works for you and, of course, avoid the kebab van.

Regardless of my little setback I managed a fairly commendable 335 miles and, more importantly, learned another lesson about the highly nuanced world of ultra riding.