TV commentators would make great sports directors, but could they drive in the race convoy?

Earlier this season, during the Ardennes Classics, I was chatting to a pro team staffer about how they use TV pictures in the team car - for example, he told me that there's always a bit of lag from the live action, which limits it a bit, but it can be helpful for things like trying to work out how knackered your rivals are.

"And of course, there's the invaluable commentary," I said. "I mean, you wouldn't want to be without the tactical observations of people like me."

To be clear, I was being sarcastic. But: "It's funny you say that," he said, "because I've always wondered how some of the commentators would get on if they tried to be sports directors. I mean, there's no one who watches as much cycling as a commentator. I'm immersed in the races I'm working at, but that's not very many, and I don't spend my time when I'm not at races watching TV. Commentators must know the riders as well as anyone."

I'm an occasional commentator, and I know almost no riders and know even less about what they can do. But it's an interesting question. There are actual sports directors who do the odd turn as a co-commentator - Magnus Bäckstedt, say, from Cofidis Women, or Matt Winston from Picnic PostNL. Clearly they can do it. But what of the lead commentators, the Ned Boultings and Rob Hatches?

On the bus pre-stage, for example. "OK, lads, pre-race briefing. You pronounce the name of the finish town 'Silk-e-borg', with a short 'o'. It's mainly known as a holiday town, surrounded by lovely forests, and it's where Jacob Fuglsang comes from. He used to ride with the local club - his nickname was 'Fugsy'. What? How would I know which way to go round the last roundabout? Maybe some of you just crash - people will love that on Instagram."

Mid-race, a rider comes on the radio. "Number 94 has attacked."

"Ah, yes, that's Ryan Gibbons. Out of contract at the end of this year, the 31-year-old has decided to hang up his wheels and retire. Winner, of course, of the Tour of Langkawi back in 2017, he's a really solid rider and lead-out man. We all remember when he came so close to winning that Vuelta stage in 2021."

"That's great. So what do we do about him?"

"We probably ought to congratulate him on his career, don't you think?"

Or, two riders from the team are seen chatting to each other:

"I can't hear what he's saying on the radio."

"I can. He's saying, 'It was built by Louis XIV in 1705 and has 250 rooms and a famous mirrored hallway where they filmed scenes for the movie Marie Antoinette.'"

And later, when a rider radios to ask for the car to come up and give him some gels and a drink, he gets the reply: "If you never want another donkey to suffer like Apollo, call or text now and give as little as three pounds a month to Save the Donkeys." Followed by an advert for a funeral planning service.

I think at least some commentators might be pretty decent at the job, or at least the calling-the-race bits of the job. They do know the riders, they do understand the tactics. They would need to shift from speculation to real-time decision making, and a lot of them would be fine with that. If we can set up a race where the directors are all replaced with commentators, and the directors commentate, I think that might be quite entertaining. In fact I'd be quite happy to commentate on it. But under no circumstances am I getting behind the wheel of a team car.

HOW TO... INVESTIGATE A BIKE THEFT

In the unfortunate event of a bike being stolen, there are a number of things you can do. If there was a GPS bike tracker secreted somewhere on the bike, and which the thief hasn't found, you can track the bike's current location.

This will lead you, in a fairly straightforward manner, right to the bike and more than likely to the bike thief, if that's your kind of house call. If there's no tracker, you can keep an eye on websites like Facebook Marketplace, which is one of the ways a bike thief might try to sell on a stolen bike. Again, this can be a fairly efficient way of placing yourself in front of the thief, whereupon you can start a conversation about recent events of mutual interest.

Or you can just try to snatch the bike back. Depending on where the bike was taken, there may be CCTV images available from local authorities or businesses. Some businesses will pretend not to have any footage because a) they can't be bothered looking, b) they hate bloody bicycles or c) they're owned by bike thieves. All three may, of course, be true.

But most will help. Of course, if you are actually a professional crime fighter, i.e. a policeman, you may prefer to avoid doing any of these things. After all, there's a good chance that they might interfere with the main objectives of your job. Whatever those might be.

Acts of Cycling Stupidity

A tale of a tandem rider, trying to figure out a way to measure power output separately for pilot and stoker by putting a crank-based power meter into the frame back to front so the chainring was on the left, for the timing chain linking the riders. Of course, the pedals had to go on backwards because they have different threads.

He solved this by drilling holes in his shoes and turning the cleats back to front-awkward but doable. "Job done," he thought. Arriving at a junction, he discovered that clipping in was easier than clipping out. He and his stoker both fell over with a crash and much spectator mirth. Also, the cleats failed to release and he broke his ankle.